Okay so at this very moment i am wiping away tears from my cheeks...I cry very easily and I hate it. It Kind of makes me angry when im like in bed and thinking about stuff and i start bawling my head off. It's actually quite annoying.
Anyway, If you read my blog last night, you would have read about the brother-sister bond that i long to have with my brothers. I have come to realize that I do have a kind of Brother-sister bond with my brothers but it's just a different kind of bond. My stepmom has made me realize that-Even though i practiacally worship my brothers in every way, at the moment they will never really show that they are really proud of me (If they even are) until maybe when we grow up and they mature a little more. Right now i pray to god that maybe when we're adults we will be closer, and they actually will talk to me without yelling at me. And i can Be patient enough to wait.
Well, lately i've been really emotional. And you know I don't really enjoy it. I don't really enjoy crying every day. I just don't. I don't enjoy wanting to pour my heart out to someone, but afraid their going to criticize me, so i pour my heart out on paper, then hide it. I've done that so many times in the recent past. At the moment I'm pretty sure I am going through a phase of "Do I want to be a good person who does what she's told and is polite to everyone that she can be? (Brothers included)" Or "Do i want to one of those girls that everyone hates because i never listen to anyone and is always a Poo head to everyone." I, of course, would really like to be the first person. To be nice to everyone. I promised my stepmom that I would try my best not to fight with her all the time and not listen. Sometimes i really feel like i want to do that, but I haid it and do what I'm told so I don't get in trouble. That is why I do everything I am told. And respect my parents! At the moment i am just REALLY tired of getting yelled at because when I get yelled at, my parents scare the crap out of me. And to my parents, That is why i cry my head off every time you yell at me. So, for future refrences, It is because i am EXTREMLY sorry for what I did, But one of the biggest parts of it is because I'm scared.
On a happier Note, I am kind of Happy right now. I'm happy because I am working on perfecting my Chair test for band. I'm not happy about the Chair test in general (They make me really angry) but i am happy that i have a whole weekend to perfect it. And if i don't turn it in on monday, i still have twodays to perfect it. It is due on Wednesday, and wednesday is a long way away for the time being. My goal for this chair test is to chrush my best friend and take her spot as second chair. Or even maybe crush Matthew Haskins, and take first chair! I'm readyfor a freaking change in the seating!! It's always been- Matthew as First chair, Mckayla and second, Adam Moore as third and then someone else. I'm ready to change that... Have it- Either Me or Adam as First Chair, Or me as Second Chair. Matthew as Third (Or Mckayla) and Either Mckayla or Matthew as Fourth. I just really want some change in the front row... I just thought about something...Something that would REALLY stink would be if i got lower thatn Fourth chair. Man That would suck..
Well, On that happy thought, I'm going to go eat something then go practice until i cant stand to practice anymore! Well I guess a Late happy new year to everyone!
A. Joy! ♥
Aren't emotions FUN!? *blatant sarcasm* Haha. I know how you feel. I was much the same at your age -- I wanted to please my parents, I hated getting in trouble, I cried when I got yelled at (even when I was an older teen than you are!) and I felt constantly like I wanted to be closer to people - my brother, my sister, my little sister when she was born, my parents, but that something always got in the way. I tried to hide the way I was feeling and just put on a happy face, but we're not always meant to do that. Sometimes we have to. But you never have to hide anything from God, and you never have to hide anything from your dad and me. Even if you totally spaz out and spraypaint your room black and hot glue broken glass on your ceiling when you're angry or hurt or upset, we'll still love you. (This is not, in any way, a suggestion :P ) You can tell us anything, be exactly who you are, talk to us about what's going on in your life AND inside your heart, and we will always be there for you, loving you no matter what, and not judging you. Don't ever feel like you have to be perfect for us to love you. We love you 100%, and 100% of the time. Everyone gets yelled at from time to time when they're young. And it hasn't happened in a long time with you, anyhow -- I'm sure it will again someday, but just know that even through whatever situation it is when you're in trouble, that we love you and nothing will ever, ever change that. :)
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